Federal authorities made an unusual find during a money smuggling investigation.

LOS ANGELES — Federal authorities investigating a man who smuggled money into the country have seized 250 counterfeit bank notes in billion-dollar denominations, they announced Tuesday.

Surprisingly enough there is no such thing as a billion-dollar bill.

The 250 bogus Federal Reserve notes had 1934 issue dates and were stained to make them look old, but no such currency exists, said U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement spokeswoman Virginia Kice.

"A billion is a substantial number. We want to ensure that no one was duped or fleeced by the passing of these documents," Kice said.

Presumably one would have difficulty passing such a note at the local convenience store.

“Can I get change?”
“Only if you buy something.”
“Uh, ok, gimme the latest issue of Counterfeiters Quarterly, a bag of pork rinds, and some beef jerky. Can you break a billion?”
“Sir, you defile my store with your false currency. Get out at once. If you find the real thing, please come again.”

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The Abu Ghraib files

279 photographs and 19 videos from the Army’s internal investigation record a harrowing three months of detainee abuse inside the notorious prison — and make clear that many of those responsible have yet to be held accountable.

Editor’s note: The 10 galleries of photo and video evidence appear chronologically in the left column, followed by an additional Salon report on prosecutions for abuse and an overview of Pentagon investigations and other resources. The nine essays accompanying the photo galleries were reported and written by Michael Scherer and Mark Benjamin. Photo and video captions were compiled by Page Rockwell. Additional research, reporting and writing for "The Abu Ghraib Files" were contributed by Jeanne Carstensen, Mark Follman, Page Rockwell and Tracy Clark-Flory. By Joan Walsh

Networkworld conducted a study on what teleworkers do when they are supposed to be working. 

One in eight male teleworkers and one in 14 female teleworkers say they do their jobs in the nude, according to a new survey on the habits of remote and mobile workers worldwide.

While we’re talking dirty: more than half the women don’t shower on work-at-home days and men are even worse, with only about one in three washing.

(snip)

Other findings:

* 18% of men find time to do household tasks while on the clock.

* 28% of respondents say they watch TV while on the job.

* 9% said they feel guilty sometimes about being away from the main office.

Yours truly is wearing sandals, wife beater t-shirt, cowboy hat and speedos.  Yes, I’ve showered (Mrs. Squawk insists on that).  I am listening to Humble Pie on CD and I don’t feel a bit guilty about it. How bout you? 

Straight off the zoo wire, news from China reveals that pandas are not the only ones with trouble in the jungle bedroom. Rhesus monkeys in a Chinese park attract several million tourists each year, but the male monkeys are having trouble attracting mates.

There are far more males than females at the park in southwest China and the extra "lonely heart" males become aggressive, attacking people.

Seventy-two tourists were assaulted by rhesus monkeys at the park in 2003, and park authorities had to pay more than 12,500 yuan (US$1,562) in medical costs. In 2004, 253 people were injured, costing the park 40,000 yuan. In 2005, 505 people were hurt by the monkeys, resulting in 84,000 yuan in medical expenses.

The insurance claims for monkey-mauled Western tourists would likely make for interesting reading. Fortunately, suggestions for dealing with the sex-starved simians have come in from concerned citizens.

"The park authorities should give the monkeys contraceptive medicine to keep them from reproducing too fast," said Aunti Ren, an animal lover who feeds monkeys every day at Qianling Park in the provincial capital of Guiyang.

Park officials might also take a cue from the German “brokeback” penguins, which became distraught over a lack of female birds and attempted to hatch pebbles with male partners. Obviously the aggressive male monkeys need to be put in touch with their feminine, less violent sides so as to reduce attacks on park visitors. An added side benefit would be career opportunities in fashion or interior design. Of course, if all else fails, SWAT Monkey could be sent in to restore order.

John Cornyn, our Senator apparently has more brains than the entire department of Homeland (In)Security. He wrote the following letter to Director Chertoff:

Dear Secretary Chertoff:

I write to you regarding Sayed Rahmatullah Hashemi, the former Taliban spokesman currently attending Yale University on a student visa.

In 2005, Congress passed the REAL ID Act and expanded the terror-related grounds of inadmissibility. Under current law, an alien is inadmissible or removable on terror-related grounds if he is a representative of any designated or nondesignated terrorist organization. Further, an alien is inadmissible or removable if the alien endorses or espouses terrorist activity or persuades others to endorse or espouse terrorist activity or support a terrorist organization. The REAL ID is clear that the grounds of inadmissibility and removal apply regardless of when the conduct in question occurred.

Mr. Hashemi was an official spokesman for the Taliban, which gave safe haven and other material support to Al Qaeda and Osama bin Laden, and continued to do so even after the terrorist attacks of September 11th. Yet the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) admitted him into the United States on an F-1 student visa. I would like to know what steps the Department of Homeland Security is taking to determine whether Mr. Hashemi was properly admitted and whether the Department of Homeland Security will seek to deport Mr. Hashemi under one of the terror-related grounds of removal.

I am also concerned about the Department of Homeland Security’s role in reviewing Mr. Hashemi’s student visa application prior to its issuance. The report of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States concluded that the key officials responsible for determining alien admissions (consular officers abroad and immigration inspectors in the United States) were not considered full partners in counterterrorism efforts prior to September 11, 2001, and as a result, opportunities to intercept the September 11 terrorists were missed.

Congress subsequently passed the Homeland Security Act, and section 428 allows DHS to assign staff to consular posts abroad to advise consular officers, review visa applications, and conduct investigations. Yet it is not clear that DHS officials were afforded an opportunity to review Mr. Hashemi’s visa application prior to its issuance. Please provide an update on the progress DHS is making in assigning officers to the consulate in Islamabad and whether those officers are fully integrated into the visa screening process.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

JOHN CORNYN United States Senator

Chertoff will be the next slang word for incompetence, mark my words.

UPDATE:

And on that point I give you this image:

The more things change, the more they stay the same………….

Peace Rally at the University of California, Berkeley, April 19 1940.

From the photographer’s notes: "An estimated million students in the U.S. participated in the 1940 annual Peace Strike…at the University of California about 10% of the student body gathered outside Sather Gate to hear students and speakers."

Berkeley, has always been, Berkeley and will remain Berkeley.  (Check out the picture.)

The lovely and talented Anne Linehan (Fox News contributor and perennial MeMo target) points out a nifty little gimmick:

Want a free cup of Starbucks coffee? This morning from 10 am to 12 noon, Starbucks is giving it away. Not the fancy coffee drinks, though. Just a regular cup of joe.

So stop by your local Starbucks and score some free coffee. That is, if they haven’t yet installed a location in your home. QSR Magazine has more:

Starbucks will host its first-ever Starbucks Coffee Break, inviting customers across the country to enjoy a complimentary cup of freshly brewed coffee March 15 at more than 7,500 Starbucks U.S. company-operated and licensed locations.

In stores and on street corners, from insulated brewing equipment and giant coffee backpacks, partners (employees) will pour tall (12-ounce) cups of coffee to surprise customers and delight commuters.

I will pay one hundred dollars in cold, hard cash to the first LST reader who brings me an official Starbucks "giant coffee backpack." More, if there’s a hot little barista still attached to it.

Courtesy KHOU, hat-tip blogHouston:

Things just keep expanding in the investigation into what started out as unexplained bonuses for four employees. 11 News has learned every elected official in city hall is now being put under the microscope, and that’s not all.

The DA’s investigators came without warning, armed with a letter making a request from the embattled mayor pro tem’s office. They wanted documents, lots of documents. The file cabinets are now empty at the mayor pro tem’s office. There were thousands of pages seized Tuesday.

"They pretty much took everything," said Harris County District Attorney Chuck Rosenthal.

Check the "Sporks" for fingerprints!

That’s because Rosenthal says his investigation is moving well beyond the four city employees fired in the "bonus scandal". Rosenthal confirmed they were talking about multiple city departments and multiple elected officials being affected. The investigation’s speed picked up Monday evening after a phone call to the DA from a person he said he trusts.

My Man!

"It was his contention that there may be documents in the file cabinets in the mayor pro tem’s office that would disappear," Rosenthal said. 11 News has learned the documents are being copied and catalogued by the DA and will be returned.

Public figures now subject to investigation include Mayor Bill White and Former Mayor Lee Brown, Mayor Pro Tems Carol Alvarado, Gordon Quan and Jew Don Boney, as well as all sitting and recent former council members.

Mayor White has been in communication with the DA and supports the investigation. "From day one the mayor said there are no sacred cows in this investigation. Including the mayor himself," said his spokesperson Pat Trahan.

Good answer.

Attorney Rusty Hardin, who represents Carol Alvarado, told Rosenthal they would cooperate in any way.

Acting Mayor Pro Tem Michael Berry agrees. "There is either a perception of or a reality of corruption in government. And you can’t allow either one to fester. It creates a loss of confidence in your system and then you can’t govern properly. So if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to worry about," Berry said.

Famous last words?

Probably not– give Berry credit for being willing to hold himself to the Hurtt Standard.

Plenty of folks should be worried when the DA talks like this. "It is kind of comparable to the investigation that the FBI did about city council members and how susceptible they were to accepting bribes," Rosenthal said. In that probe four city council members went to prison, convicted of accepting bribes from undercover FBI agents.

Investigators are looking for evidence of items, trips in particular that were filtered through the mayor pro tem’s budget so they would not appear in individual department or council budgets. That would amount to theft by a public servant.

Trips… you mean the kind of "trips" that take you "Out of Town"?

Multiple sources told 11 News another subject of the investigation is former city council member and mayoral candidate Orlando Sanchez. Documents from his term were among those seized by the DA.

Fine by me.

Short of outright libel, please feel free to answer this question in comments–

What would YOU like DA Rosenthal to look into as he digs through these documents?

There’s so much potentially, we might as well help him generate a list.

It’s hump day! Now get humping.

Black gold…Mexican tea?

President Vicente Fox climbed aboard a drilling platform in the Gulf of Mexico on Tuesday to formally announce a new deep-water oil discovery he said could eventually yield 10 billion barrels of crude oil.

Luis Ramirez, chief executive of Mexico’s government-run oil monopoly Petroleos Mexicanos, or Pemex, said Noxal is the fourth deep-water well explored by Pemex.

Ramirez said that while production tests will be conducted in coming weeks, "evidence found is sufficient to infer potential reserves to be discovered that could reach 10 billion barrels of crude oil equivalent."

At current prices, that’s well over six hundred billion dollars worth of oil. At the present rate of consumption — something like 2.5 million barrels per day — this find potentially has enough oil to power the world for a decade.CORRECTION: LST commenter YouAsleep points out that I screwed the pooch on that one. World oil consumption is more like 84 million barrels per day. Sorry about that.

So the next time someone tells you that illegal immigration is justified because Mexico is so poor, point this out: They found half a trillion dollars in a HOLE.