When Love Monkeys Attack : Lone Star Times

When Love Monkeys Attack

by The Panda Man · 03/15/2006 1:12 pm

Straight off the zoo wire, news from China reveals that pandas are not the only ones with trouble in the jungle bedroom. Rhesus monkeys in a Chinese park attract several million tourists each year, but the male monkeys are having trouble attracting mates.

There are far more males than females at the park in southwest China and the extra "lonely heart" males become aggressive, attacking people.

Seventy-two tourists were assaulted by rhesus monkeys at the park in 2003, and park authorities had to pay more than 12,500 yuan (US$1,562) in medical costs. In 2004, 253 people were injured, costing the park 40,000 yuan. In 2005, 505 people were hurt by the monkeys, resulting in 84,000 yuan in medical expenses.

The insurance claims for monkey-mauled Western tourists would likely make for interesting reading. Fortunately, suggestions for dealing with the sex-starved simians have come in from concerned citizens.

"The park authorities should give the monkeys contraceptive medicine to keep them from reproducing too fast," said Aunti Ren, an animal lover who feeds monkeys every day at Qianling Park in the provincial capital of Guiyang.

Park officials might also take a cue from the German “brokeback” penguins, which became distraught over a lack of female birds and attempted to hatch pebbles with male partners. Obviously the aggressive male monkeys need to be put in touch with their feminine, less violent sides so as to reduce attacks on park visitors. An added side benefit would be career opportunities in fashion or interior design. Of course, if all else fails, SWAT Monkey could be sent in to restore order.

Put down the banana and step away from the tourist!

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Comments

6 Responses to “When Love Monkeys Attack”

Squawkbox Noise on March 15th, 2006 at 1:35 pm

Hey baybuh wanna monkey around?

Always remember this sage advice from Chimpy McWifi.

Never monkey with another monkey’s monkey.
Dave D on March 15th, 2006 at 1:40 pm

Never Monkey with another Monkey’s Monkey or you may find a gorilla on your back.
fasternu426 on March 15th, 2006 at 1:48 pm

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes,” nodded the Monkey.
“What else?” asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

“They were smoking marijuana too?” said the officer.
“Yes,” nodded the Monkey.
“What else?” queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers…

“Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?” asked the astounded officer.
“Yes,” nodded the monkey.
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?”
“Yes,” the Monkey nodded.
“What were you doing during all this?” asked the Officer.
“Driving,” motioned the monkey.
Right Of Texas on March 15th, 2006 at 2:08 pm

..and we “came from” them!?
Doch4 on March 15th, 2006 at 2:59 pm

“Love Monkeys”, this story speaks for itself, I can not add anything to it !
Squawkbox Noise on March 15th, 2006 at 5:03 pm

Picture Caption:

OK where duh women at?