Rent an Unoffended Jew today!
by David Benzion · 12/14/2006 10:42 amSome of you may recall that in the midst of last year’s “Christmas Wars” I floated on the radio the idea of starting a website– “RentAnUnoffendedJew.com.”
Well, I never got around to actually reserving the URL, and I was actually kinda hoping the whole thing could be avoided with a little more common sense this year… but it looks like we’re out of luck.
A high school choir was asked to stop singing Christmas carols during an ice skating show featuring Olympic medalist Sasha Cohen out of concern the skater would be offended because she’s Jewish.
A city staff member, accompanied by a police officer, approached the Rubidoux High School Madrigals at the Riverside Outdoor Ice Skating Rink just as they launched into “God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman” and requested that the troupe stop singing, the Riverside Press-Enterprise reported Thursday.
Cohen, the 2006 Olympic silver medalist and 2006 U.S. National Champion, had just finished her performance at the rink on the downtown pedestrian mall, and was signing autographs.
Choir director Staci Della-Rocco said she complied with the request “because a policeman told me to stop. I didn’t want to have a big old huge scene in front of my kids,” according to the newspaper.
The city staff member, special-events employee Michelle Baldwin, could not be reached for comment. City Development Director Belinda J. Graham confirmed the incident.
“This request was simply made by a staff member who was attempting to be sensitive to the celebrity guest, without considering the wider implications … or consulting with her supervisor for guidance,” Graham said in an e-mail to the newspaper.
Mayor Ron Loveridge called the incident “unfortunate.”
“You kind of wish people do a little checking first. You certainly have my apology,” he said, referring to the choir members.
A spokeswoman with the New York-based PR firm that helped promote the event said Cohen did not make the request to silence the singers.
[Hat-tip: Associated Press]
Good freaking God.
Let me empathize–as the article clearly states, Ms. Cohen didn’t ask for the kids to stop singing–this idea was the muddle-heading response of a bureaucrat who–out of fear of somehow offending somebody, somewhere–decided the “solution” was to simply kill all public expressions of faith or community identity.
This coming on the heels of the infamous “Seattle Airport Christmas Tree Kerfuffle,” in which other government bureaucrats (are you detecting a pattern here?) came to the conclusion that rather than just telling a rabbi “Sure, put your Menorah up too,” decided to cleanse the municipal airport of all Christmas trees, until public outrage–and the rabbi himself–smacked them upside the head.
So it looks like I’m in business.
The fact is that all of this could have been avoided if the Seattle airport authority or City of Riverside had simply hired me to be their professionally unoffended Jew.
Once on retainer, all they would have had to do is place a simple phone call to me and asked–
- “Hey Jew– are you offended by these Christmas trees in the airport?” OR
- “Hey Jew–do you mind if we sing Christmas carols over here?”
In both cases I would have answered “No, of course not,” and the celebrations would have gone forward, all legal bases covered.
So I’m officially for rent. Cost is $80 an hour, including transportation time to and from your location. Visits must be compatible with my real-world work schedule.
Office having a Christmas party? Want to set up a Nativity scene in your front yard that includes a sign saying that “Jesus is the Reason for the Season”? Manage a government office where a number of employees are conspicuously wearing green and red outfits to work?
No problem–I’ll be happy to come out to your home/place of business and declare myself officially unoffended. I’ll hand you a letter certifying my lack of offense. For a few extra bucks, I’ll give you a certificate of “Best Friendship,” allowing you to state with complete authority that “Some of my best friends are Jewish.” And if you eventually get called into court, I’ll be happy to testify on your behalf. (Additional fees my apply.)
Offer not valid for “Messianic Jews” or Iranian Holocaust deniers.
To rent an unoffended Jew, simply email me at lsteditors AT gmail.com, and we’ll work out the details.
And have a very Merry Christmas!
UPDATED– Anyone using my “Rent an Unoffended Jew” services will have a picture of their event taken, with me, smiling, and then posted on LoneStarTimes.com along with a link back to your company’s website!
Think outside-the-box! This could be some awesome, buzz-generating, guerrilla/viral marketing! (Wagner, am I wrong here?) 
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Another example of “politically correct” going awry. Look, the Christians celebrate Christmas for a reason and all the other religions celebrate their religion their way. If you don’t like it, then don’t partake in it. We don’t ask you to change your religion so don’t ask us to change ours. It’s only the liberal media who keep imposing the “PC” cr*p on us. I wonder if the liberal types practice this at home with their kids about this so-called “holiday” season.
So, have you actually reserved the URL yet?
$2 Ror– Nah, I’d rather just drive traffic to LST–Your Home for Unoffended Jews!
My daughter’s best guy friend is Jewish. I suggested we get him a “Jew unoffended by Christmas” t-shirt to wear to the mall.
hey, all ya gotta do is spend the $2, and have it redirect to here… keeps the options open…..=D
There once was a guy who was Jewish
Who was anything but horribly shrewish
“Merry Christmas” he cried
To all who walked by
And thought “To be Jewish is what I know that you wish!”
/not happy with the rythm of the last line, but I’m supposed to be working and don’t have a lot of time to tweak it
David, you need to copyright the phrase. Second, you are working way too cheap. You can save companies and organizations thousands in legal fees and PR damage. I would say $150/hr w/ 3 hour minimum is about right.
technically anything he writes is Copyrighted whether he registers it or not. what he needs to do is to trademark the phrase so he can attach the little TM symbol to it….
I agree the fees are too low….Lawyers aren’t cheap, why should you be? =D
#7 texpat– this is an introductory low price… get’em hooked… don’t forget, Easter is just around the corner
This is one of the BEST ideas I have heard in a long, long time!
David, how much are your rates if the client is in a drunken stupor?
#11 Heh; “combat pay” is time-and-a-half. ;0
Good question, is the fee non-refundable if you are offended after all? or do you just suck it up and give the anti-semite a certificate anyway?
HYSTERICAL!! David you are too funny. Truely is a great idea. Maybe you could do a spoof video and put on youtube!
I’m questioning your discrimination of the Messiac Jews, I mean at the christmas scene, kind of goes against the non offense part.
I agree this story crazy. When Ramadan comes around again, should we protest they don’t have crosses? What about kuanza (?) should we break up their parade because they are alienating white people!
How about the gay parade, can’t we include straights. Talk about bigotry, it’s them.
How much for an offensive Jew?
Simple
David:
Texpat is right … $150 per hour, three-hour minimum. Don’t forget to charge expenses.
Next step: Create a funny video of yourself and post it to YouTube! A viral is born!
You pay for them?
8^)
The Dude beat me to it– offensive Jews are a dime a dozen. LOL.
I can say that because I’m Jewish.
And it’s true.
Texpat and Wagner have got me worried that I am way undervalue… so consider the $80 an hour price “for a limited time only!” ACT NOW!
DB,
Offensive gentiles aren’t hard to find either. Being the enterprising guy I am, I’ll offer my services as an offensive gentile to supplement your unoffended Jew service. You’ll be able to say to your customers, “see, no matter how offensive this gentile gets, I remain unoffended”. I’ll be convincing, but I’ll stop well short of Mel Gibson level tirades. This could be like a license to print money.
And will the COH ad the ACLU get bent out of shape if you refuse to work for, say, the Grand Dragon of the KKK? or the New Hitler Youth?
I think you should also have an accessory price list:
Quoting a Yiddish phrase: $5
Wearing a skull cap in picture: $15
That’s where the REAL money is.
Can we all agree that Bill Maher is the perennial favorite/winner in that category??
http://billmaherneedsanenema.com
Bwahahahahaha!!!
23 Dude
Yep, that’s my website…..uh….well, like Benzene, I haven’t reserved it….yet.
Rent a Hebrew… Hmmmm…
http://www.frogboy.freeuk.com/rabbi.jpg
Maybe I can do some horse trading, I make you some T shirts and you finish hanging my Christmas lights?
What would you charge to put the star on my Christmas tree? Extra for yarmulke and picture? I’d love to put it on my Christmas postcards!
#27 tedtam– You raise some important issues.
Everyone should keep in mind that the business here is “Rent an Unoffended Jew,” not “Rent a Jew to Celebrate Christmas With You.”
I’ll eat your Christmas cookies, so long as they are round, or in “seasonal” shapes like snowmen. I’ll sing seasonal songs like “Deck the Halls” and “Jingle Bells,” but pass on the religious ones.
Don’t get me wrong– I’m not going to sit in the corner like some curmudgeon; I’ll try to have fun and entertain your guests. Amusing, behind-the-scenes stories about “the ‘real’ Dan Patrick and Edd Hendee” are absolutely free.
But what you’re paying for is a Jew who is certifiably not offended by YOUR celebration of Christmas.
So you’ll have to hang your own star, I’m afraid.
Didn’t mean to push a button!
I’m just glad you have a sense of humor, unlike some other people I can think of!
BTW - you should charge for the behind-the-scenes stories. These could be valuable to certain people in the future!
No offense taken, no button pushed– you helped me clarify the issue.
My big concern is Bramanti hanging out his shingle selling “the ‘real’ David Benzion” stories.
“Everyone should keep in mind that the business here is “Rent an Unoffended Jew,” not “Rent a Jew to Celebrate Christmas With You.””
I just don’t like getting on the roof and would do anything to not climb back up there…….
And to clarify … I’m kinda short, so hanging stars is an issue. My son is now almost six feet tall, so I can pass the star thing on to him. My hubby is never around when the kids want to put the tree up, so he can’t help. He always gets the “oh, it’s up!” look on his face when he comes home…
It takes a lot of practice to get that “disapointed” face just right…… upon seeing the tree already up.
OOOooooohhhh, NOW I get it!
28
Too funny.
The book should be out in time for Christmahanukwanzakah 2007.
How much extra for bringing the rino?
Happy Chanukah David! Shalom!
The RINO accompanies him everywhere.
It’s a pacifier….of sorts.
The Rino is his Beshert…… hee hee
Let’s see what Digg brings in. I posted a minute ago over there so maybe David you will be busy really soon.
This is absolutely one of the best ideas I’ve ever heard! Let’s do it.
I send 3 Billion of my tax dollars every year to Israel.
My question is, am I renting, or buying all these Jews?
I wrote a great article sometime back, detailing the plight of the relationship between Christians and Jews. The main point of my ramblings was that historically Christians had not been all that nice to Jews. I felt at the time that the mainstreaming of Jewish people into western Civization, brought about by increased tolerance etc., had allowed them the opportunity to push back a little. WE all like those who refuse to be a doormat. etc. We also want to keep our traditons and get our ‘backs up’ if we feel maginalized. I hope our communications and levels of respect continue to to mature. The most important point for Christians; is to, emphatically, communicate the position that this generation of Christians do NOT place any blame on the descendants of Judah for the death of Jesus Christ. The reaction to the Passion of the Christ, opened my eyes to the innate worries and concerns of the Jewish people regarding this point. If Christians and Jews stay close to their traditions, we will have to agree to disagree on the matter of Who and what He was. Nevertheless, we thank you for the Bible and for being our allies in the fight to hold on to Judeo-Christian Traditons.