Fat-Busting Panda Style : Lone Star Times

Fat-Busting Panda Style

by The Panda Man · 01/17/2007 1:06 pm

Last year we brought you news about Thai pandas Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui. The loving couple was having trouble doing the bamboo dance, despite millions of park-goers eager to watch. Concerned officials even developed panda porn, all to no avail.

Sadly, our couple’s first date was a dud.

The pandas’ first mating season — a three-day window — came last week. Despite a widely-publicized encounter between Chuang Chuang, a 6-year-old male [whose name means “clever”], and 5-year-old Lin Hui [whose name means “beautiful forest”], the mating apparently was unsuccessful.

While Clever may not have been quite clever enough to reach the beautiful forest, watching pandas get it on seems to have serious market potential.

One year later we find that our furry friends are still distressed. This time, however, it appears that evil capitalist influences have taken their toll on Chuang Chuang’s ability to do the reproductive ballet.

“Chuang Chuang is gaining weight too fast and we found Lin Hui is no longer comfortable with having sex with him,” said the zoo’s chief veterinarian, Kanika Limtrakul, adding that Chuang Chuang weighed 331 pounds, while Lin Hui is only 253 pounds.

No doubt he learned to overeat from obese Western tourists. Time for this oversized fuzzball to go on a diet.

As a result, zoo authorities are cutting out bamboo shoots in the daily meal for Chuang Chuang and giving the obese bear only bamboo leaves, Kanika said.

The “Panda Weight Watchers” routine is just the latest in a series of efforts to help Clever find his way through the Forest.

They have held a mock wedding, announced plans to separate the two to spark a little romance and even talked of introducing panda porn - videos of other pandas mating - to get the pair in the mood.

Clearly the “low-fat bamboo shoots” and “Panda Viagra” markets are still wide open for the ambitious entrepreneur.

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Comments

11 Responses to “Fat-Busting Panda Style”

malcolm on January 17th, 2007 at 1:11 pm

Slow news day?
radiovixen on January 17th, 2007 at 1:49 pm

Really!
twocute64001 on January 17th, 2007 at 2:03 pm

why not give that fat panda some of the chinese fat burner tea advertise on the side there
Robert on January 17th, 2007 at 2:09 pm

Are we suppose to read something into this or is there a correlation between the habits of man and beast??
northerngirl on January 17th, 2007 at 2:35 pm

What about Panda Hoodia? I heard it works wonders!!
Neocon on January 17th, 2007 at 2:52 pm

Jeremy,

I see you haven’t lost your touch!
Butch on January 17th, 2007 at 3:02 pm

Neo - I can’t believe Spacky, The Dude,Hammy or some of the others haven’t jumped in here. lol
Malcolm didn’t waste any time. lol
tedtam on January 17th, 2007 at 4:20 pm

There once was a panda boy bear
Who was looking for a panda she bear.
“Hey there, good lookin’,
Whatcha got cookin?”
She laughed and said, “Don’t you dare!”

“But I’ve got it all goin’ on!” he cried
To convince her he really tried,
“Lose some of that fat,
That’s where it’s at!”
She tossed her head and replied.
tedtam on January 17th, 2007 at 4:25 pm

Two panda bears were getting it on,
When the girl bear the boy bear got upon.
“Ooof,” the girl said,
“I can’t catch a breath,
For the girth of my beau shows too much brawn!”
HomerJ on January 17th, 2007 at 6:34 pm

I’m surprised all the Darwinists don’t give up on the Pandas. I mean, these things can’t even procreate without lots of $$$ and human involvement. Let ‘em die out already and use the resources for something more important. (Note: I’m kidding - just poking fun at those who thing we came from nothing and are just a bunch of mutating particles).
PBFloyd on January 17th, 2007 at 7:29 pm

Gotta agree with Homer, any species that can’t figure out how to get it on is just not going to make it!!!

No pun intended!!!

Well, maybe!

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