Chronically Entertaining
by David Benzion · 02/20/2007 6:34 amIs it “Sweeps Week” in the newspaper biz?
Apparantly global warming has lost some of its juice and ability to move product… how else to explain this headline (which I really like, don’t get me wrong) in today’s Houston Chronicle?
THOUSANDS MAY DIE
IF A GIANT TORNADO EVER HITS HOUSTON
I’m not kidding–that’s an actual headline in your local paper this morning… not LST’s typically vulgarized and sensationalized rewriting of a straightforward Chronicle headline.
Looks like we’re having an impact on some of our colleagues.
Hopefully, we’ll see this one in the Chronicle tomorrow:
ANNA NICOLE SMITH’S BREAST IMPLANTS
POSE CHOKING THREAT TO ANY BABIES
THAT MAY BE TRAPPED IN HER COFFIN
I think you know where to take things from here.
The “Houston Chronicle Headline Writing Contest of 2007″ is on.
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AMPHIBIAN BUTT-STAINS ON DRIVEWAYS MAY BECOME THING OF THE PAST IF FROGS GROW WINGS.
Chronicle Subscriptions Could Increase If Quality of Writing Improves And Becomes Less Biased
“Boobs take over Chronicle”
“chronical Bankrupt Due to Lack of Sales”
#1
The Dude
I thought it was when “Pigs Fly” LMAO.
“GOVERNOR PERRY THROWN OUT OF REPUBLICAN PARTY”
Conservatives Flex Grassroots Muscle
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Genetic Engineering Success!
Sperm Donor Johnny Sutton Really IS Monkey’s Uncle
This was in fact a headline in the old Houston Press - I was a paper boy at 9 yrs old and laughed my ass off. I don’t know how it could be checked, but I remember it well.
“Nurse raped seaman held”
Breathing Oxygen Can Prolong Life
“Giant Radioactive Lizard Wades Through Center Of Downtown, Bush Administration To Blame”
http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40576000/jpg/_40576671_godzilla_203300.jpg
#9 - MadDog
That reminds me of a joke a high school friend of mine told me:
“Storm at Sea - 9 Seamen Lost, Others Feared Pregnant”
“Gravity Causes Deaths, Science Seeks Cure”
You may laugh, and I agree that it is an inane headline, as if there is nothing more important in the world than contemplating this.
However, think of the likelyhood of having a tornado in Vermont. Not much, right? Well, I was in one about 9 years ago.
I still agree that headlines are not meant for stupid positations:
“Thousands in Houston are being exposed to s**t on the sidewalks every day” (Too bad there is not enough money in the budget to clean the bird stuff off.)
“Two More Rings Discovered Around Uranus”
Was a real headline……
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10574903/
“IGNORANCE TRACED TO GENETIC MUTATION”
Merck Vows To Develop, Fasttrack Vaccine
I could not get through the 1st paragraph of the story(http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/4564928.html)without thinking that Eric Berger has to be joking.
Is he a shill for algore?
He and the “scientists” must be receiving grant money from one of foundations that the “doom machine” funds and are writing with their tongues planted firmly in their cheeks (and I don’t mean the facial ones).
Try this game….. Tornado Jockey:
http://www.tornadojockey.com/
Makes as much sense as this:
U.N. urged to take action on asteroid threat
http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=scienceNews&storyid=2007-02-18T174347Z_01_N17363374_RTRUKOC_0_US-ASTEROID-DEFLECTOR.xml&src=rss&rpc=22
Breaking News: Anna Nichole Still Dead
“Crime wave hits Houston…Worst in five decades!”
Chief Hurtt blames SW Airlines for slow service from Phoenix.
I like a challenge for my creative skills. A Houston Crummyicle Headline Writing contest sounds interesting. So here is my “Top Ten” list of headlines:
1) Local Topless Club Renames Club In Honor of Anna Nicole Smith
2) Crime Wave Goes Unabated, Lee. P. Brown Consulted
3) Sports Authority Sees Need, Cow Chip Throwing Arena Built
4) Metro To Build Supercorridor, Southwest Freeway Closed
5) Local Radio Personality Proposes New Concept: “Doing The Right Thing”
6) Chief Hurtt Builds Command Station In Phoenix To Better Fight Houston Crime
7) Mayor White Sets Up Special Department To Help Illegals Get Acclimated
9) Katrina Victims Wonder When Maid Service Will Begin
10) Quanell Ten Protests–Not Enough Minorities In Sports
See if you like any of these!!
Britany Shaves Head - photo spread below
WW III Breaks Out - story on page B4
Giant Asteroid Hits Art Bell - developing, more after tonights radio broadcast.
Astros Almost Win Game - Sports, P1
Texans To Play In Reliant Stadium - Special Section
etc.
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Some are just slips of the tongue
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
My favorite line from the story is this:
“With a hurricane, people have advance warning, and the gridlock associated with Hurricane Rita aside, generally can get out of the way.”
Bovine excrement!! If Rita took the path they thought it was going to take and was a CAT5 like the screamed all over the radio and TV for 3 days, then tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of casualties would have resulted. Thank goodness meteorologists don’t know what the heck they’re doing, and got the call wrong as usual.
While on the subject of The Chronicle, can we get Dan to get a bill submitted to make it at least a misdemeanor to litter people’s driveways and lawns by delivering newspapers they did not request?
I gotta figure out how to post the photo of my culdesac with every trash can on the curb with a free - un-opened commie=cal on top.
#26 HAHA!!! I think there are two out there right now….
Matt Bra-man-ti has been named Chief Editor for the Houston Chronicle. Benzion crys foul, calls Bramanti a traitor, fires him from LST. Bramanti sues for back pay, news at 10.
27
We must have it!!!
Please, someone tell her how!!
Try this headline: Gov. Perry Gets The “Adios, MoFo” From The Voters.
Remember when doomsday scenarios were confined to cheesy TV movies of the week or vehicles (Towering Inferno, Poseidon Adventure, Airport) for washed up Hollywood actors?
Gore May Get Honorary Doctorate for Work in Climatology
Oh, wait, that IS a Drudge headline….
Reply to No. 33: You want a Crummyicle headline involving Algore. Try this: Global Warming Doesn’t Help Algore, He’s Still A Frozen Stiff
Millions Would Starve if Food Were Not Edible
#27 twocute
Send it to me. I’ll upload it and link to it.