Who’da thunk that Hot Anna Nicole Smith Lesbian Action! could be so terribly boring?

And yet, today’s Houston Chronicle has a 2,519 word profile of the blond boob-shell’s relationship with her former lesbian lover… and holy crap, is it tedious.

Among the mind-numbingly “This isn’t exactly as exciting to hear as I always hoped it would be” details we learn are, as follows:

1. Smith met her lesbian lover [Sandi Powledge] in a gay bar off of Kuykendahl in 1991.
2. According to Powledge, Smith was “hungry for love, hungry for approval — just like a bucket with a hole in the bottom.”
3. Powledge is “butch” (or, as the Chronicle puts it, “the plainer looking and less feminine of the pair”).
4. On their first date, Smith, showed up at Powledge’s house in a working-class area on Aldine Westfield Road in a stretch limousine.
5. Smith brought a change of clothes for Powledge to wear.
6. They went to an upscale steak house on FM 1960.
7. Smith bought Powledge a dress, shoes, a bra and panties.
8. Everything fit.
9. Powledge does not know how Smith knew her size.
10. They had a wonderful time.
11. Smith was quite unlike the TV personality she would later project.
12. Smith was quiet.
13. Smith was shy.
14. Smith would grin a lot.
15. There was a mutual attraction and a caring.
16. Smith wore very little makeup.
17. Powledge thinks that’s when Smith looked her best.
18. Powledge and Smith exchanged vows of commitment on the diving board at Smith’s home in Spring.
19. Smith and Powledge shared some wild times.
20. Smith and Powledge would frequently go out on drinking binges not knowing how to get home.
21. Smith once stopped her car and asked a passing jogger to drive them home after a particularly lively spell of inebriation.
22. Powledge and Smith got tattoos to declare their love for one another.
23. Smith paid for a tattoo of her face and name to be inked across Powledge’s shoulder blade.
24. The tattoo of her face across Powledge’s shoulder blade that Smith paid for was strategically placed to cover another woman’s name there.
25. Smith later received a tattoo of Powledge’s initials below her bikini line.
26. Because of her career as a model, Smith was unable to display such art anywhere else on her body.
27. Powledge blushes, giggles and covers her face with her hands when asked if Smith reciprocated her affections in the bedroom.
28. Powledge says Smith was very considerate.
29. Very sweet.
30. Very.
31. One day in March 1992, Smith beckoned Powledge to the car.
32. Smith told Powledge she wanted to show her something.
33. Smith drove to a convenience store and purchased a Playboy magazine.
34. The magazine contained the first pictures that would skyrocket Smith to fame.
35. Smith showed Powledge the pictures.
36. Powledge likens those heady days to a fairy tale.
37. Powledge would go grocery shopping in limousines.
38. Powledge’s lover was Playmate of the Year.
39. Powledge got her nails done every week.
40. Powledge made a photo album of the early days of their relationship.
41. It contains pictures of Smith’s first modeling gigs.
42. It includes pictures of their days together in Houston.
43. It includes a shot of them kissing on a bed.
44. It includes shots of Smith posing topless on her baby grand piano.
45. It includes shots of Smith on horseback.
46. It includes shots of Smith posing in a bathing suit on the beach.
47. It includes shots of Smith getting her makeup done.
48. It includes shots of Smith lounging about with a tiger.
49. Powledge soon followed Smith to New York.
50. While in New York, Powledge and Smith stayed in an apartment.
51. Smith’s young son, Daniel, also lived in the apartment.
52. For four months, Powledge accompanied Smith to her public appearances and runway shows and watched her sign autographs.
53. Powledge was fond of Daniel.
54. Smith’s cajoled Powledge into wearing wigs and dresses to give herself a softer look in New York.
55. Smith felt this move was necessary to hide the true nature of their relationship.
56. Smith was incapable of monogamy.
57. Smith was bisexual.
58. Bisexual means that Smith was not exclusively lesbian.
59. Powledge would soon discover evidence that Smith had been with others, finding photographs of her with men.
60. Still, Smith expected exclusivity from Powledge.
61. Smith gave Powledge a pager and cellular phone so they could remain in constant contact even while Smith was out of town.
62. Smith didn’t want to hear music in the background when she called Powledge.
63. Smith didn’t want Powledge at a club with her friends when she’s going off doing her thing.
64. Smith’s infidelity became a source of fights.
65. Smith’s aunt, Elaine Tabers, who along with her husband lived with their famous niece at the ranch in the Cypress-Rosehill area, would often persuade Powledge to make peace.
66. Elaine Tabers would always tell Smith not to say anything, that if she loved her she’d leave it as it is, and that she should hand on and work this out.
67. There were other concerns, as well.
68. Even in those early days of fame, Smith had a taste for pills and alcohol.
69. Powledge would say “Can’t we just have a night without it?”
70. Smith would say “Yeah.”
71. As the night wore on, Powledge could always tell by her slur or the look on her face that Smith was indulging her taste for pills and alcohol anyway.
72. Powledge would later struggle with drugs herself, long after breaking up with Smith.
73. At the time of their relationship, however, Powledge did not have a problem-she could drink or not drink.
74. Always in the background during this time, lavishing attention and gifts on Smith, was J. Howard Marshall II.
75. As Marshall, a wealthy oil tycoon, became older and sicker, Smith began seriously considering his marriage proposals.
76. She asked Powledge for her opinion.
77. Powledge thinks Smith cared about Marshall like a grandfather, or perhaps a dad.
78. Powledge thinks Marshall was good to Smith, and that he loved her.
79. Although unable to evaluate the full extent of her concern for Marshall, Powledge does believe that Smith loved him.
80. As Smith grew more famous and left town more often, their contact grew less frequent.
81. Powledge got tired of waiting for Smith.
82. Powledge moved back to her hometown of Winnsboro, 100 miles east of Dallas.
83. Powledge didn’t tell Smith she was going to do this.
84. This sparked a fight.
85. Smith angrily demanded that Powledge return to Houston to see her.
86. Powledge did.
87. Powledge drove 260 miles through a violent rainstorm.
88. Her brother was in the car.
89. The final blow came before Smith married Marshall, when Powledge drove six hours down to Houston to see Smith in a hospital following a surgical procedure.
90. Also in the hospital room that day was Smith’s boyfriend Clay Spires.
91. Powledge demanded that Smith make one of them leave.
92. Later in the weekend, back at Smith’s home in Spring, Powledge discovered evidence that led her to believe Smith had slept with Spires.
93. The two women fought and Powledge left.
94. They never spoke again.
95. It was just too much for Powledge.
96. Powledge had a painting business.
97. Powledge was tired of being at Smith’s beck and call.
98. Powledge would be there every time Smith said jump.
99. Powledge believes that that at some point you’ve got to step back and say, ‘Sandi, where’s your dignity?”
100. After their breakup, Powledge wasn’t with anyone else for a long time.

There’s a lot more, but I don’t want to ruin the whole story for you.

Read the whole thing–all 2,519 words of it–in this morning’s Houston Chronicle.

When you’re done, feel free to check out the 678 word story on METRO’s expansion plans, or the 96 word blurb on changes to the state’s child-abuse prevention system.