Thou Shalt Inhale : Lone Star Times

Thou Shalt Inhale

by The Panda Man · 03/04/2008 12:56 pm

Are you suffering from PFS? Primary Fatigue Syndrome affects millions every primary season as political ads run endlessly for months on your favorite radio and television stations. Repetition drums vapid campaign messages into your brain until you enter a trance-like state in which you are highly susceptible to suggestion. If you are willing to vote for just about anyone in order to stop the ad madness, you may be suffering from PFS.

Fortunately, there is hope. In order to assist our readers in making it through the day until the polls close and the mind-numbing ads finally finish their runs, we offer LST’s Non-Election News. Yes friends, Non-Election News is guaranteed to distract you from the endless rhetoric of “change.”

Our Non-Election News subject for today is: religion. We have good news for all you pagans, atheists, and tree worshippers. You can throw out that pesky Bible because it turns out that that whole Moses and the Ten Commandments stuff was just a drug trip.

High on Mount Sinai, [Clever choice of words] Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments, an Israeli researcher claimed in a study published this week.

Such mind-altering substances formed an integral part of the religious rites of Israelites in biblical times, Benny Shanon, a professor of cognitive psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem wrote in the Time and Mind journal of philosophy.

Shockingly enough, the good Professor does not believe in the supernatural.

“As far Moses on Mount Sinai is concerned, it was either a supernatural cosmic event, which I don’t believe, or a legend, which I don’t believe either, or finally, and this is very probable, an event that joined Moses and the people of Israel under the effect of narcotics,” Shanon told Israeli public radio on Tuesday.

Moses was probably also on drugs when he saw the “burning bush,” suggested Shanon…

Now prepare yourself for a real shocker.

…who said he himself has dabbled with such substances.

The Professor’s dedication in the name of science is compelling.

He mentioned his own experience when he used ayahuasca, a powerful psychotropic plant, during a religious ceremony in Brazil’s Amazon forest in 1991. “I experienced visions that had spiritual-religious connotations,” Shanon said.

The good Professor knows what he is talking about too, with extensive experience in the subject.

Since that time, he has used [ayahuasca] hundreds of times, and has published a book about the plant.

There you have it, friends. All that old-time religion is just the result of folks imbibing loco weed. And now that the foundation of religion has been swept away, there is no need to concern yourself with commandments or doing unto others or any of that nonsense. In fact, there is just one simple commandment to keep: Thou Shalt Inhale.

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Comments

13 Responses to “Thou Shalt Inhale”

Robert 1 on March 4th, 2008 at 1:03 pm

I know one thing you need during the primary season and that’s an answering machine. When I go home at night there is always some calls from the candidate’s phone banks but last night (Monday) I had NINE messages on my machine. That is a first, usually it’s two or three but NINE!!!!!
izquierdo on March 4th, 2008 at 1:18 pm

Panda Man

You must be familiar with the work of John Marco Allegro:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Marco_Allegro
Basara on March 4th, 2008 at 1:57 pm

How did I know that Izzy would be an expert on religion through inhalation?
Ghost Rider on March 4th, 2008 at 2:21 pm

It would be interesting to know his exact reasoning. For academic purposes we would need to consider what specific drug(s) Moses might have taken, given the limited regional availability of such things. Just because we can find them in the southwestern United States does not mean Moses could find them. I’m not saying it isn’t possible, just that it’s not enough information to do anything but tantalize.
texan1953 on March 4th, 2008 at 2:28 pm

that’s why they call it dope.
Jeremy 'Panda Man' Weidenhof on March 4th, 2008 at 2:40 pm

#4
The Prof suggests a concoction made from the acacia tree might have played a part, as it is locally available. He’s even sampled some himself just to be sure. All in the name of science, you understand.

Check out the second article I cited:
http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/960403.html
Zippy_Slug on March 4th, 2008 at 3:19 pm

I’ve always theorized it was opium.. there are a lot of hallucinations and visions written about.. Has anyone actually read Revelations? That’s pretty far out..

but I don’t have a phD behind my name, so nobody cares what I think.. CNN can contact me here if needed however.
tedtam on March 4th, 2008 at 3:33 pm

#7 Zippy

According to what I’ve been taught, Revelation was written during a time of persecution in a kind of code that would seem like nonsense to any occupation soldier, but that Jews would understand. Horns, lampstands, etc. - all of these symbols mean something to the Jews. A Roman soldier would pick up the paper, think it rubbish, and toss it. Designed to provide encouragement in a time of despair, it was one way to communicate right under the noses of the oppressors.
tedtam on March 4th, 2008 at 3:35 pm

BTW - I believe I read this article in Discover magazine. I love my science, but this rag just doesn’t lean to the left - it topples itself over. The bias of some of the articles, especially those regarding faith, is incredibly blatant. I read with a huge grain of salt.
Shannon on March 4th, 2008 at 3:36 pm

Lordy, first it was Moses on psychedelics, and now it’s John.
american woman on March 4th, 2008 at 4:08 pm

The good professor must be a buddy of Timothy Leary.
Politically FED UP on March 4th, 2008 at 4:25 pm

I sit here and shake my head
melvinliles on March 4th, 2008 at 10:38 pm

Did those professors go to Berkley?”