Feeling Andy Rooney-esque this morning.

Provo, Utah:

A 96-year-old man who outlived two wives is separated from his third - by immigration problems.

Canadian Doreen Buttery, 73, was a temporary visitor when she met Leonard “Woody” Woodward at a senior center in Provo.

96 years old, on his third wife, and the dude’s nickname is “Woody”.

They wed this year and honeymooned in Alberta - which gave Buttery the chance to sell her house and prepare to move to Provo permanently. But she hadn’t filled out the paperwork to immigrate and was stuck at the border as her husband took the bus back to Provo.

Buttery will… have to go through an interview, so U.S. officials can determine the marriage is legitimate and not just an attempt to bypass immigration rules.

Woodward said can still get by on his own, but he doesn’t like it.

“I need her home, bad,” he said.

I bet you do, my friend.

My advice–call corporate communications at Viagra… I guarantee they’ll sponsor your legal fight in exchange for some subtle product placement.

Good Luck to you, Sir.

Reading, PA:

A Reading man whose minivan crashed after he climbed on its roof while driving about 55 miles per hour is in fair condition this weekend.

Police in West Reading say the 38-year-old man later stripped naked and led them on a chase along the highway.

Authorities are not identifying the man, who is not charged.

He remains in a Reading hospital recovering from what witnesses call a deep gash in his side.

Police say they used Taser jolts and pepper spray during the chase Friday but only subdued the man when they tackled him.

I suspect drugs played a factor.

From the towers of academe:

A new brain-scan study may help explain what’s going on in the minds of financial titans when they take risky monetary gambles — sex. When young men were shown erotic pictures, they were more likely to make a larger financial gamble than if they were shown a picture of something scary, such a snake, or something neutral, such as a stapler, university researchers reported.

Neutral?

These so-called “university researchers” have obviously never “CER-CHUNK!-ed” a staple in their finger.

Finally, as a politicial candidate or consultant, here’s a headline you never want to see:

Obama Seeks to Affirm His Patriotism (AP)

Me thinks the liberal doth protest too much.

Barack Obama wants to make something clear: He loves America.

After a series of incidents that prompted questions about his patriotism, the Democratic presidential candidate is peppering speeches with explicit statements on his love of country.

“I love this country not because it’s perfect but because we’ve always been able to move it closer to perfection,” he told an audience in North Dakota.

And in Montana: “It’s a country where … I’ve seen ordinary Americans find justice, where I’ve seen progress made for working families who need leaders who are willing to stand up and fight for them. That is the country I love.”

The MSM spin in the immediate aftermath of the Rev. Wright scandal was that this was all no big deal, there was no impact in the polls, Obama had navigated these dangerous waters.

Well, I’m here to tell ya’–you don’t start peppering your speeches with assurances that your love your country without a good reason.

And if you’ve got to say it, there’s a problem; that’s a fact.