While politics can certainly be a contact sport, even the nastiest of campaigns could actually be worse. I was recently daydreaming about what a campaign would be like if politicians simply blurted out what they really think – or what our imaginations tell us they might really think.

Here, then, is a fictional three-way debate between the remaining GOP and Democratic presidential candidates, with Tim Russert as moderator. Since this is a complete fabrication from my sometimes-twisted brain, I did not want to take front page space from the real stuff.  So if you are interested, you’ll have to jump to read more. Those of you who already know you’d hate it, or who aren’t interested in (attempts at) satire, you are spared this insult to your consciousness.

Three way debate: McCain, Hillary, Obama, questioned by Tim Russert:

Q: Senator McCain, even though you sealed the nomination early, some Republicans think that was due to lack of quality conservative opposition, and that you don’t represent true conservative ideals. How do you respond?

McCain: Look, let me say this. When I was in that filthy prison in North Vietnam, there were no Republicans or Democrats, no liberals or conservatives. We were all Americans. And I’m proud of that record. And I would say to my conservative friends – hey, look at the other two, heh-heh. You don’t have much choice now, do you? Heh.

Q: Sen. Obama, the knock against you in some quarters is that you’re too inexperienced, that you don’t really have enough of a record to make people comfortable enough to elect you president. How do you answer those concerns?

Hillary: Exactly, Tim.

Obama: Excuse me, Senator Clinton. Tim, I’ve been all across this country, and my message is resonating. Change. Hope. America.

Q: Could you elaborate?

Obama: We need a break from the failed policies of the past. We need to give folks hope. Hope and change, Tim.

Hillary: Blah, blah, blah.

Q: What kind of change?

Obama: For instance, take a look at our culture of corporate greed. When a CEO drugs a line worker and steals his kidney to transplant into the CEO’s brother, we need a change. That’s what I’m talking about, Tim.

Q: But, Senator, that doesn’t happen.

Obama. That’s what George Bush and the Republicans would have you believe. It’s time for hope, Tim. And I have the audacity to say it. Invest corporate earnings into our low income families and you’ll see change, Tim.

Q: Senator Clinton, one of the criticisms of you is – damn, there are so many here, let’s see. … Well, let’s move on to the nomination battle. There is concern in the party that you will somehow sway the superdelegates to steal the nomination from Sen. Obama, even if he has the overall lead in popular vote, states won and primary delegates. Is that your intention and, if so, how can you justify that?

Hillary: Bwaahhhh-ha-ha-ha-ha, Tim. Well! That’s part of the dirty politics of my opponents. Shame on you, Barack Obama. Shame on you. As Democrats, we know it is important that we always have someone else to tell us what to do, how to think, how our money should be spent. That’s where the superdelegates come in. They know the real deal when they see it. I served 8 years as First Lady. I was savaged for trying to bring health care to babies – while Republicans wanted to starve babies, I might add. I nearly could have been almost possibly shot at in Bosnia. It’s my turn, dammit. Tell me after putting up with Bill for 8 years that I don’t deserve this job, Tim.

Q. Well, Senator, that’s not the issue.

Hillary: You’re darn tootin’, Tim. The issue is Rev. Jeremiah Wright. If my pastor had said those things, I would have voiced my disgust and left the church. Maturity, experience, that’s what counts. Not like pretty boy over there.

Q: Senator Obama, what about the controversy surrounding Rev. Wright?

Obama: I want to focus on hope. And change. But, heh-heh, Pastor Wright is, well, sort of like that crazy uncle who sneaks off during Thanksgiving dinner and blows up a synagogue or two and caps a few white kids. He’s always back in time for the pumpkin pie. And isn’t that really what matters? I am not going to make him a casualty of political expediency. Besides, Oprah attends the same church I do. Would Oprah do anything wrong? And, if she did, would millions of white women watch her every day?

Q: Senator McCain, one stark difference between you and the Democratic candidates is the issue of the war in Iraq. How long, sir, would you continue to have combat troops there against the wishes of most of the American people?

McCain: Look, I know about war, Tim. Remember Vietnam? If we leave Iraq, they will follow us here. And I don’t want that. And the American people don’t want that. Only the Democrats want that. Except my friend Joe Lieberman, of course.

Q: Senator Obama, you pledge to start bringing home troops immediately.

Obama: Indeed I do, Tim. There’ll be no cowboys in my administration. We will have dialogue, reason with our enemies. Look how far I have come with Democratic voters in less than a year. Don’t you think I can have the same impact on the simpletons in Iran and Korea? And just imagine, if you can, the hundreds, maybe thousands, of new government programs we can initiate with the money being spent on the war. Programs that will never, ever end, Tim. Programs that will keep many folks beholden to me, and my party, for decades. It’s an exciting vision of hope. That’s the real shining city on a hill, Tim. That’s real change.

Q: Senator Clinton, you voted for the authority of the President to use force against Iraq, now you say you would not have. Why?

Hillary: Tim, Bush lied, millions died. No blood for oil. Halliburton. I think it’s fairly clear, don’t you?

Q: Senator Clinton, you were at one time almost the presumptive nominee. Now, you actually trail in the delegate count heading toward the convention. How do you explain this turnabout?

Hillary: Tim, as you know, I have been fighting for the rights of women and minorities since Senator Obama was in Muslim elementary school. Hispanics love me – well, all but that bastard Bill Richardson. He lied to me and he lied to my husband! Can you imagine that? Lying to the First Lady? That, Tim, is what Senator Obama’s campaign is all about.

Obama: I find those remarks outrageous.

Hillary: Aw, go crawl back into your Trojan horse, Hussein.

Q: Please! Senators! Senator Clinton, Governor Richardson denies he promised to support you.

Hillary: Wait until Carville corners him in a dark alley. It won’t be pretty.

Q: Senator Obama, there has been some concern over comments made by your wife. Some observers say she has implied that she was never proud of this country until you began getting votes in the Democratic primaries –

McCain: She also said he smelled in the morning, heh-heh.

Q: - Do those criticisms bother you?

Obama: Tim, we cannot have change without hope. I consult with Al Gore frequently. I will give him any position in my power if it will help me get elected. And attacks on my wife are beneath contempt and completely out of bounds, no matter what idiotic or anti-American thing she might say. My opponents are desperate and always resort to the politics of the past. I want to change all that.

Q: Senator Clinton, your husband was once heralded as the “first black president.” How difficult is it for you now to see that voting bloc firmly in Senator Obama’s camp?

Hillary: I would like to remind all Americans, especially people of color, that I ain’t nowaaaaayyyyysssss tired. And I know’d that nobody tol’ me it was gonna be easy. Catering to black folks for decades is a real challenge, Tim. But it’s important to remember that I was promising special interest groups the moon before Senator Obama ever joined his first drug-dealing street gang.

Q: Senator Obama, polls are showing that Senator Clinton does very well with white blue collar workers, and some of those might cross over to Senator McCain if you are nominated. How do you plan to keep that from happening?

Obama: Hope, change and Obamacans, Tim.

Q: But polls actually show more Democrats likely to vote for Senator McCain than Republicans are to vote for you.

Obama: That’s Karl Rove talking, Tim. And we all know he can’t be trusted. People need to look at the facts. Go to the most informed and fair sources. Read the New York Times, turn on NBC and CBS, and especially Bill Moyers on PBS. That’s where you’ll see I’m a black JFK. And no amount of Dick Cheney or Halliburton can keep that truth from the American people.

Q: No matter who prevails in the primary, there’s the matter of the vice-presidential slot. This question to the Democratic candidates: If you do not get the nomination, will you accept the second spot?

Hillary: Hell, no.

Obama: Screw you, Hillary.

Q. Senator McCain, how close are you to choosing your running mate?

McCain: Tim, let me give you a little straight talk. I know the value of a good partner in a race like this. You know where I learned that? Vietnam. In a prison camp. While being tortured by people I use to refer to with an ethnic slur. Look, I want to reach across the aisle to Democrats, and I want a running mate who will reflect that approach. After all, what choice do conservatives have but to vote for me, heh, heh.

Q: Senator Clinton, what factors will you consider in appointing federal judges?

Hillary: Tim, I will not impose a litmus test in the judicial nominating process. Of course, any judge must respect a woman’s right to choose, so the more abortions they will promise to allow, the better shot they’ve got in my book. And a judge should see that the Constitution not only breathes, it speaks – in fact it cries out for more government, more spending, more regulation. So those things are important – crucial, in fact. But, of course, there will be no litmus test in my administration.

Q: Senator Obama?

Obama: That is one area where Senator Clinton and I agree. No litmus tests, but certainly more abortions and, clearly, more spending. I would think that would be obvious.

Q: Senator McCain – same question.

McCain: I think it is essential to have judges who will strictly construe the constitution and will not make law from the bench. Judges in the mold of Roberts. So I disagree with the other two Senators. Good golly, how can anyone say I’m no different than those panty waste Marxists? Have either of them ever spent time in a Vietnamese prison camp?

Q: This is for all the candidates. Immigration has become a contentious issue in this country, particularly how we deal with the millions of undocumented immigrants already here. Recent efforts at reform have been stymied. What is your plan to bring order to the problem? First to Senator McCain.

McCain: Well, Tim, as you know, I didn’t just talk about the problem. I took the lead in trying to solve it. I reached across the aisle to my Democrat friends and, along with strong support from the President, we put together what we thought was a good bill, a fair bill. But, look, the American people sent us a message. They said they didn’t trust us and wanted us to do something about enforcement. And I got whipped pretty good on that. Not as bad as when I was in that Vietnamese prison, but pretty bad. And I heard the American people. I got their message. Enforcement first. And the priority of my administration’s immigration policy will be enforcing border security and our immigration laws. That will be job number one. Our top goal. Enforcement. First. . . . Then we’ll sneak amnesty by them.

Q: Senator Clinton?

Hillary: Tim, this is a problem that is not going away, much like Senator Obama’s naivete and inexperience. And let me say I applaud Sen. McCain’s work with Sen. Kennedy, and me, and others, to find a solution. But Senator McCain misses the larger point. It’s a quaint notion, but we can’t let the average citizen make immigration policy for us. In fact, the average American doesn’t want to.  They don’t want ot have to think.  Haven’t we learned by now that Americans want government to solve all their problems? Of course, they do. And that’s why I’m here, Tim. I pledge to do my best to welcome as many future Democratic voters – um, honest, hardworking neighbors from the south into our country as we can hold. And the more that come will just make it cozier for those of us already here.

Q: Senator Obama?

Obama: I believe I have a special understanding of this problem. As you know, I am a person of color. And the people striving to get to this country for a better life are also people of color. And I understand them, Tim. I know what they want. And do you know what that is?

Hillary: Hope?

McCain: Change?

Obama: Hope, Tim. And change. Hope for a brighter future. And change in the hearts of those soulless Nazi Republicans who would rather see brown bodies strewn across the Arizona desert than to extend a helping hand. I want to be an extender, Tim.

Q: Uh, okay. . . . Would someone please help that lady who fainted there in the front row? Yes, her – the one with the Obama t-shirt.

Obama: Heh, it must have been my reference to extending.

Q: We’ve come to the end of our time and, since he shared time with two opponents, the last question is for Senator McCain. Senator, any parting thoughts on why Americans should vote for you over your Democratic opponent?

McCain: Sheesh, Tim. Look at them. He’s a black man and has big ears. She’s a bi- er, shrieking woman. What more do you need to know? … But let me say I have the greatest respect for Senators Clinton and Obama.